I thought I would grace these pages with an update on what I’m doing these days in SL. It’s a bit hard to do sometimes as I do not want to name my avatar I am currently using – mainly to protect my friends. I don’t really care myself if people know who I am in world but I don’t have the right to decide this for my friends. In fact, editing this post now I see what I have in fact written is more of a summary of my online lives… Isn’t it interesting how many blanks can be filled in when you try and “set the scene” lol.
When I look back at my online life over the last 3-4 years I can see some massive changes happening – my life has really evolved and changed online. In some ways it has gone full circle with some changes – but in others it has totally changed. A few years ago when I first made my “entrance” as Jessica Random onto the Internet I portrayed myself as a shy (I still am in many ways – which conflicts to a large degree with my lifestyle) innocent girl, always polite unless someone upset my friends – then the gloves came off! Looking back further however before I accepted Jessica as part of myself I joined SL as a male avatar in 2004 when Second Life was very new. I remember having land in a region and being the only one there until the world built up around me. The days of system hair and basic skins and… well…. ugly avatars! However it wasn’t long before I find someone to get close to and had a full SL Wedding and lived happily (mainly) for about a year before we parted company. Back then I was interested in the sex scene in SL, but when the forever between me and my SL partner turned less sweet and we broke up I eventually found SL offered me very little. I logged in every so often but never did anything there. I stopped making houses that I had been doing for a while, removed all my stores from malls and from Exchange Street etc and just drifted away.
Around that time I had started to realise there was something different to me… I had started to create female avatars to experiment in SL. In fact before I met my SL partner I had put a personal add on a board somewhere (my partner was the second person to answer my add). On that add I had said that I was a shapeshifter or some other terminology and that I was likely to change my gender at times. Once I met my partner I didn’t do that but the idea was already there at that time. However I found the occasional dalliance with my female avatars less than fulfilling but around that time I found Open Simulator.
Opensim gave me the chance to play with unlimited (almost) prims and land. The only limit was my imagination and the amount of sims I could realistically run on my virtual servers. I became as disillusioned with it however as I had been with Second Life. The building was fine to a point – but without some social aspect it really had no meaning to me. I played around with making stuff every so often but never really got myself invested in it.
Then by chance I stumbled across some downloadable OARs – I had always kept my eyes open for these – and found some great ones made by Linda Kellie. I installed every one of her oars and was inspired by her work, I had the opportunity to get to know her through comments on blogs and other online sources and ended up becoming very close friends and following her to from OSGrid to SpotOn3D and other grids. At this time however she was having a lot of problems and battling a lot of self doubt which wasn’t helped by people attitude to her. I suppose its the celebrity effect….. The media likes to turn people into Celebrities and once they are on their pedestals, rip them to shreds in public. Linda did a lot of things to try and fix this including killing off her most well known avatar and removing herself from the Open Sim world. To my knowledge apart from having her own standalone she occasionally plays with she still avoids OpenSim.
This did get me started again though – I made my name as Jessica. I have never made anything outstanding but a number of people enjoyed the OARs I put together till I had to remove most of them due to not being certain about some assets. It felt good to be able to make things people enjoyed. In OpenSim I portrayed a much more “pure” woman than I had been as a man in Second Life years before. The social aspect had never been there for me in OpenSim though apart from when I was there with Linda, so after a while I started to find things boring again. The lack of social contact was mainly my own fault – yes there are less people in OpenSim grids than Second Live but they ARE there. However being shy makes that much more difficult to make friends.
After a while I got an email from someone I hadn’t seen for a while and I went excitedly into SL to meet them. We quickly built out friendship to the point where we were best friends – shared everything. If someone told us anything – the other would know it. We were just friends – but very close. She was always there for me, encouraging me to find someone special, always there to listen to my disappointments. I experimented with D/s, feeling very vulnerable and feeling I needed or at least would like guidance, but my first encounter with this proved “disappointing”. I tried again with even worse results….. I take it that it is not considered appropriate to feel like slapping one’s “Master” for being an arrogant SOB? I guess I was not meant to be a submissive! I was however back into the sex scene and those that knew me at that time, and also had known me in OpenSim might have been surprised that I was not the little innocent girl they had taken me for. She was part of me – but not the only part.
My new friend in SL became my lover and we partnered. We both were into the D/s scene but although we were both to some degree switch we experimented with having our own submissives to care for. This worked with varying success and our life changed from one of simple hanging out to running places where our friends could gather together. Ideas like free sex communes came and went, our close knit friends changed, joined, left, stayed on the fringes etc. If I look at my SL now and my SL from 5 months ago – its very different.
I am still partnered to the most wonderful woman I have met in SL, we share so much. We have a very open lifestyle and accept willingly and happily the other exploring their SL how they want to. My latest desire is to become pregnant and have a baby in SL – I can never do that in RL so why not do it in SL? A close friend of ours has agreed to “help” me with this, and our friends with benefits friendship has enabled me to find a father for my baby who is also someone I can enjoy the closeness with – but without having to turn it into totally romantic commitment. We enjoy the sex, and our friendship. Knowing we are going to make a baby in the process makes is even better.
My time spend in SL is lower now than it was a few months ago – and with the new expansion to World of Warcraft around the corner thats not going to change a LOT (although I have started being in SL more than I was again). I do not have any submissives at the moment – but I do miss that extra interaction and the feeling of being there for someone who needs guidance in their life. People chose that path in life (in SL at least) for a variety of reasons, some because they genuinely do not believe they can control themselves without help. Some because they just get off on being told what to do. Some because they enjoy the feeling of being powerless and only allowed to do what they are told. Everyone that enjoys D/s play in SL has their own reasons for it – and there are many many ways they like to experience that. I would say there is no right or wrong way to enjoy this, only a right and wrong way for each Mistress/submissive. What works great for one couple does not work for others. Some people look down on people in this lifestyle and say all they want is constant sex. This may well be true for some, but if that suits both the Mistress and submissive then I don’t see a problem with that. The key is in the agreeing scope of control and limits. In practice this can be harder than it seems however because often a submissive is not even honest with themselves as to what they really want. A Mistress also may not be honest with what she wants and that is worse as it puts a submissive (someone already feeling fragile sometimes) into a bad place.
I do think though that I will be looking for new submissives (no more than two) to look after. I tend to be pretty “loose” in my control as I am not always around. I give my girls quite a lot of freedom but expect them to respect that freedom. Finding someone that suits me however is not easy – and I have learnt lessons from the past about accepting someone too quickly. That way lies pain for both.
So I guess that’s what I am doing now…. hanging out in SL…. enjoying just “living” there. Being excited about hopefully soon being pregnant in SL and shopping for lovely maternity clothing and nursery equipment. SL is exciting… and ever changing. Things change and that can be as exciting as you let it be.
Hugs to all