What’s going on now?

Hello Internet

I thought I would grace these pages with an update on what I’m doing these days in SL.    It’s a bit hard to do sometimes as I do not want to name my avatar I am currently using – mainly to protect my friends.  I don’t really care myself if people know who I am in world but I don’t have the right to decide this for my friends.  In fact, editing this post now I see what I have in fact written is more of a summary of my online lives… Isn’t it interesting how many blanks can be filled in when you try and “set the scene” lol.

When I look back at my online life over the last 3-4 years I can see some massive changes happening – my life has really evolved and changed online.  In some ways it has gone full circle with some changes – but in others it has totally changed.  A few years ago when I first made my “entrance” as Jessica Random onto the Internet I portrayed myself as a shy (I still am in many ways – which conflicts to a large degree with my lifestyle) innocent girl, always polite unless someone upset my friends – then the gloves came off!  Looking back further however before I accepted Jessica as part of myself I joined SL as a male avatar in 2004 when Second Life was very new. I remember having land in a region and being the only one there until the world built up around me.  The days of system hair and basic skins and… well…. ugly avatars!   However it wasn’t long before I find someone to get close to and had a full SL Wedding and lived happily (mainly) for about a year before we parted company.   Back then I was interested in the sex scene in SL, but when the forever between me and my SL partner turned less sweet and we broke up I eventually found SL offered me very little.   I logged in every so often but never did anything there.   I stopped making houses that I had been doing for a while, removed all my stores from malls and from Exchange Street etc and just drifted away.

Around that time I had started to realise there was something different to me… I had started to create female avatars to experiment in SL.  In fact before I met my SL partner I had put a personal add on a board somewhere (my partner was the second person to answer my add).  On that add I had said that I was a shapeshifter or some other terminology and that I was likely to change my gender at times.  Once I met my partner I didn’t do that but the idea was already there at that time.   However I found the occasional dalliance with my female avatars less than fulfilling but around that time I found Open Simulator.

Opensim gave me the chance to play with unlimited (almost) prims and land.  The only limit was my imagination and the amount of sims I could realistically run on my virtual servers.   I became as disillusioned with it however as I had been with Second Life.   The building was fine to a point – but without some social aspect it really had no meaning to me.  I played around with making stuff every so often but never really got myself invested in it.

Then by chance I stumbled across some downloadable OARs – I had always kept my eyes open for these – and found some great ones made by Linda Kellie.  I installed every one of her oars and was inspired by her work, I had the opportunity to get to know her through comments on blogs and other online sources  and ended up becoming very close friends and following her to from OSGrid to SpotOn3D and other grids.   At this time however she was having a lot of problems and battling a lot of self doubt which wasn’t helped by people attitude to her.  I suppose its the celebrity effect….. The media likes to turn people into Celebrities and once they are on their pedestals, rip them to shreds in public.    Linda did a lot of things to try and fix this including killing off her most well known avatar and removing herself from the Open Sim world.   To my knowledge apart from having her own standalone she occasionally plays with she still avoids OpenSim.

This did get me started again though – I made my name as Jessica.   I have never made anything outstanding but a number of people enjoyed the OARs I put together till I had to remove most of them due to not being certain about some assets.  It felt good to be able to make things people enjoyed.  In OpenSim I portrayed a much more “pure” woman than I had been as a man in Second Life years before.  The social aspect had never been there for me in OpenSim though apart from when I was there with Linda, so after a while I started to find things boring again.   The lack of social contact was mainly my own fault – yes there are less people in OpenSim grids than Second Live but they ARE there.  However being shy makes that much more difficult to make friends.

After a while I got an email from someone I hadn’t seen for a while and I went excitedly into SL to meet them.  We quickly built out friendship to the point where we were best friends – shared everything.  If someone told us anything – the other would know it.  We were just friends – but very close.   She was always there for me, encouraging me to find someone special, always there to listen to my disappointments.  I experimented with D/s, feeling very vulnerable and feeling I needed or at least would like guidance, but my first encounter with this proved “disappointing”.   I tried again with even worse results….. I take it that it is not considered appropriate to feel like slapping one’s “Master” for being an arrogant SOB?   I guess I was not meant to be a submissive!  I was however back into the sex scene and those that knew me at that time, and also had known me in OpenSim might have been surprised that I was not the little innocent girl they had taken me for.   She was part of me – but not the only part.

My new friend in SL became my lover and we partnered.   We both were into the D/s scene but although we were both to some degree switch we experimented with having our own submissives to care for.  This worked with varying success and our life changed from one of simple hanging out to running places where our friends could gather together.  Ideas like free sex communes came and went, our close knit friends changed, joined, left, stayed on the fringes etc.  If I look at my SL now and my SL from 5 months ago – its very different.

I am still partnered to the most wonderful woman I have met in SL, we share so much.   We have a very open lifestyle and accept willingly and happily the other exploring their SL how they want to.   My latest desire is to become pregnant and have a baby in SL – I can never do that in RL so why not do it in SL?    A close friend of ours has agreed to “help” me with this, and our friends with benefits friendship has enabled me to find a father for my baby who is also someone I can enjoy the closeness with – but without having to turn it into totally romantic commitment.  We enjoy the sex, and our friendship.  Knowing we are going to make a baby in the process makes is even better.

My time spend in SL is lower now than it was a few months ago – and with the new expansion to World of Warcraft around the corner thats not going to change a LOT (although I have started being in SL more than I was again).    I do not have any submissives at the moment – but I do miss that extra interaction and the feeling of being there for someone who needs guidance in their life.   People chose that path in life (in SL at least) for a variety of reasons, some because they genuinely do not believe they can control themselves without help.  Some because they just get off on being told what to do.  Some because they enjoy the feeling of being powerless and only allowed to do what they are told.  Everyone that enjoys D/s play in SL has their own reasons for it – and there are many many ways they like to experience that.  I would say there is no right or wrong way to enjoy this, only a right and wrong way for each Mistress/submissive. What works great for one couple does not work for others.  Some people look down on people in this lifestyle and say all they want is constant sex.    This may well be true for some, but if that suits both the Mistress and submissive then I don’t see a problem with that.  The key is in the agreeing scope of control and limits. In practice this can be harder than it seems however because often a submissive is not even honest with themselves as to what they really want.  A Mistress also may not be honest with what she wants and that is worse as it puts a submissive (someone already feeling fragile sometimes) into a bad place.

I do think though that I will be looking for new submissives (no more than two) to look after.   I tend to be pretty “loose” in my control as I am not always around.  I give my girls quite a lot of freedom but expect them to respect that freedom.  Finding someone that suits me however is not easy – and I have learnt lessons from the past about accepting someone too quickly.  That way lies pain for both.

So I guess that’s what I am doing now…. hanging out in SL…. enjoying just “living” there.   Being excited about hopefully soon being pregnant in SL and shopping for lovely maternity clothing and nursery equipment.    SL is exciting… and ever changing.  Things change and that can be as exciting as you let it be.

Hugs to all

Jessica xxx

Sex, Gender, Gender Identity, Gender Expression

Whoa, what a lot of ways to say the same thing!    Or is it?

Hello blog, and today I want to cover some of the terms used to identify people’s gender and other related aspects.   At first glance all four of these look to be the same thing.   Are they?   Is your sex the same as your gender?  What about your gender identity, or your gender expression?  What do all these things mean.

A lot of these definitions have been taken from the subheading “What is Sex, Gender, and Transgender?” in Sport Psychologist Dec2011, Vol. 25 Issue 4, p534.

Sex

is defined by the Oxford Dictionary (http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/sex) as

Either of the two main categories (male and female) into which humans and most other living things are divided on the basis of their reproductive functions

It isn’t very verbose but it shows that this is based on their physical sexual attributes.   Sex is based on the chromosomes that make up a person, XY for male, XX for female.   Typically this means more testosterone than estrogen for males alone with the presence of penis and testes and more estrogen than testosterone along with the presence of vagina, uterus and ovaries for female.  These are physical differences.

Gender

is often defined as a social construct of how people expect people to look, dress, act based on the perceived sex.  Instead of being labeled Male or Female someone’s gender is better described as feminine or masculine.   Socially it is expected that masculine is representative of strength and logic whereas feminine is representative of weakness and emotionalism.   For example a weak emotional man is often considered to be feminine (although for some reason it is not as often considered that a strong logical woman is masculine).

This changes over time – what was acceptably masculine years ago may not be now.   Through their social interaction boys and girls learn how to move, speak, dress, behave the way society expects them to behave for their particular gender.

Gender Identity

is someone’s internal sense of being male, female of something in between.   This is not always consistent with their sex, and is not reliant on how they may dress or present themselves.  Someone may be of male sex, but have a gender identity of female.   They may not be able to express themselves as female so to all intents and purposes for other people they are male, but internally their gender identity is female.

Gender Expression

is the last one here and was alluded to in the last paragraph with someone who is not able to express themselves as female.   Gender expression is simply how we chose (or are forced) to express our gender.  The way someone moves, speaks, dresses and acts is their gender expression.  For example wearing a dress is usually considered an expression of femininity.

 

To put these into context with myself…..  As a male bodied bi-gender person, I would say my sex is male, my gender identity is rather fluid between male and female, but due to social conventions about male gender my gender expression is mainly male with some feminine touches.

It IS complicated but hopefully this sheds some light on it a bit.   I don’t even know why I am posting this – I think most people know this stuff by now.  I guess it just came to me and I wanted to ramble about it for a bit lol.

Hugs XX

Jessica

Jessica: The Return!

Ok ok…. So I said I was going….

I said I was being deleted….

I changed the site to www.virtual-me.org…….

I removed added a new user to the site and deleted myself…..

But…. I changed my mind… I can’t live without the Jessica side of myself and she’s back and badder than ever!

Basically, I have moved the site back – restored it to what it was before my little “I’m going to kill Jessica” rant and carrying on as before.  There is one difference however…. I am unlikely to put much OpenSim stuff on her and I am not really likely to be putting together any new oar files or other content.   I am now very firmly back into Second Life and just can’t see OpenSim offering me the same.  I have a nice group of friends who are like my family and I could never leave them now.

This site now will probably deal with social interactions in SL and other VWs and a lot more gender stuff than actual content.    I suppose over the years I have become more into discussing the social aspects of virtual worlds a lot more than providing content.

Just a note….. I do not intend to  reveal my SL avatar name(s) so I will not be updating the logo at the top of the page with my newest look or any photos of her or her friends.   This is intended to protect the privacy of my friends.

 

Mixed Messages

I’m not a poet, I know nothing about poetry or prose.  I only know my heart although that confuses the hell out of me too!  I felt compelled to write the below anyway – I’m sure it breaks all the rules of poetry but I don’t care.  I’m not going to explain it – or what made me feel this way.  But writing this down helps.

You can never be sure.

You can try, but you will fail.

You do your best to read the signs.

To avoid making mistakes.

Make sure that everything will be ok.

Ensure that everyone will be ok.

When you think you have seen it all.

When you have covered all the angles.

When you have looked at everything.

Checked all the danger points.

Ensured it is ok.

Stop.

Look again.

Do not trust your eyes.

Do not trust your heart.

Do not trust your mind.

Look at the danger.

Do not over look it.

Do not downplay it.

Do not reject it.

For you can never tell

You can never be sure

You can try, but you will fail.

You can never know

When you are reading the signs

If what they say

Is truly what you believe they say

Or if they are in the end

Mixed Messages

Life moves fast in SL

Have you ever noticed this?   Life moving so very fast in virtual worlds – especially SL where there are so many people and so many things to do.

My last post mentioned a special woman that had claimed a place in my heart.   Unfortunately, that was the last time I saw her so as is often the case in SL you just have to move on.   No messages, no emails, no logging on for about 2 weeks.  Life does suck sometimes….. and Second Life sucks twice lol.

Oh well, I do still have a great small bunch of friends and we have some good times sitting at the beach and playing naked greedy.    Sometime I will find someone in SL that is special to me, but until then I have my friends – they look after me well 🙂

 

Me

Gender Transparency

Ok, so here’s the thing……

You are a bi-gendered person….. (well you probably are not but I am so just imagine you are for a moment)….   You are in Second Life, and you are AS your female side.  Do you make it clear in your profile that you are “not a real woman”?  Is it unfair to others to not let them know?  Or is an invasion of privacy to be expected to let people now, when you FEEL like a real woman and you are there to explore your female side.   Letting others know will affect how they treat you, they will not treat you like a woman (or may not).   Is this the same as a transgender woman going into a bar and saying, “by the way, I used to be  man”!

I ask this because I was recently in Second Life as a female avatar as I always am – I very rarely log in a male avatar I just dont feel comfortable with one.   I was hanging out watching people go past as I do when this guy started to chat me up.  He seemed nice for a while but then started asking a lot of personal questions….. how old I was, did I have a family etc etc.    For some reason that I have yet to identify I actually answered his questions – but carefully avoided specifying my gender.   As far as I was concerned I was female, and my avatar definitely looked female.   Eventually I decided with the amount of information I had given him, I may as well give him the rest and I told him I was bi-gender.  BIG mistake.

After trying and failing to explain what that means, he started laughing at me and saying things like “ohh so you just want to look at naked men cuz you gay!”.  First of all, I don’t even understand the mentality of that statement…. If I was gay why would I be “pretending” to be a woman?  Surely I would be looking for other gay guys?  Hint:  those arnt the ones looking for women!

Apart from the big flaw in his logic, I found this all very upsetting and I could obviously not use that avatar again – without change as he may well go off  “warning people” that I wasn’t a girl.      I made a new avatar, but then ended up adding information about my gender status to the first one instead as a kind of “testing ground” to see how people reacted to it.

I have had mixed reactions.  I haven’t really gone “out” much however, just sat around with my group of friends chatting and watching people walk by or sit down and chat with us.  Most havent said anything – some have commented positivly but I will always know now that these people – or many of them – will not see me as a woman and that makes me sad as Second Life was my chance to BE who I believed I was.  Of course I still have the other avatar I made but this presents another issue…..

Is it dishonest for me to not reveal my gender identity?  Should people even really be expecting me to tell them about the person behind the avatar?   How many people actually look anything like their avatar?  How many people who are in their 40+ actually have an avatar the LOOKS that age?  Most just look early twenties!  Is this any different?  How?

Since then however my avatar met a wonderful woman who she has really hit it off with.  This person knows about my RL gender status (it is now in my profile so she couldn’t miss it anyway) and simply doesn’t care.   She is with my Avatar and while we all know that RL emotions are involved it is how I present myself to her that she cares about.   I don’t know her RL gender identity….  I haven’t asked and I probably never will.  When with someone that you will never meet in RL is it really important?   I don’t think so personally.

Me.

URL Changed…..

As said before, this blog has now moved location.    blog.jessicarandom.me will redirect to the new home  http://blog.jessicarandom.me.

This “new” blog will focus mainly on social interactions in SL.

This is just a very very brief post about the change – but I will be posting properly here soon (I guess).

Me

Change of plan!

Ok ok….. I know I said that would probably be my last post….. but the key is in probably yes?

I said I would be killing off Jessica around the metaverse, and that is still true (I think), but I have found I still need a female outlet.   I still need an outlet for any content I make available, and I still need an outlet to just rant.  My current plan (which may well totally change again) is to make a site for any content I make – but this will likely be a while off because  I am spending a lot of time back in SL so I am not sure when I will be creating any OS stuff again.    I also plan to keep this website – but change the name and format.   As I said I need a platform to rant from.   I don’t care it anyone reads it – I just need to do it sometimes.

I’ve got a whole load of issues related to alternative genders, SL vs RL, tolerance, bigotry etc.   Some of these are issues I have just been thinking about recently and some are issues I have recently experienced in SL.  I will be coming up with a new domain-name for this site and forwarding the old one to it.  It will be a lot more focused on social issues, many likely gender based but also on other areas of social expectations.  Where virtual worlds are concerned it will likely be a lot more SL based than OS.

 

Strangely in almost direct response to me deciding to kill off Jessica, I have had such an overwhelming need to be treated like a lady.   With the amount of people online in OS, I am almost always alone.   I don’t make friends very easily as I have said before but I have made a few close friends in SL over the last short while I made some acquaintances (some very nice people) in OS,  I didn’t feel I could just “hang out” with them.  Very few I would consider close friends.  Because of this, I am probably not going to do much in OS.    If I make any items for SL (well free ones anyway) I will also try and make them available to the OS community.   The plan is to use my mini-grid I’ve made to create items and then import them (without textures) into SL.

Anyway I’m rambling again.   The next post here will probably be on the new domain/focus.

As I am killing off Jessica, and don’t really know “who” I am coming from atm, I will probably just start signing my posts off as……

 

Me.

Ok……… Time to leave!

Hello to anyone that reads this.

There is no easy way to say this, but there have been some changes to my life lately and I have decided to give up this blog as well as several other things.

Without going into too many personal details I have decided that my persona as Jessica can now be re-integrated into Tim.

I am not saying that every person that has gender issues can “suck it up” and deal with it in the same way – but that the time has come for me as a person to be able to accept both parts of me as one person as opposed to treating myself as two (a male and female) persons.

I will never be a macho super-manly guy.  I will still watch (and sometimes cry) and girlie movies.  I will still love to see beautiful dresses (and may even still secretly wish I could wear them and look good).    Pink and Purple will still be my favourite colours and I will still wear women’s Jeans (because they fit me better – honest!) and paint my fingernails neutral shades.    In reality not much will change for me apart from not considering myself two separate people.

As part of my redefining myself I will be removing all my items branded as Jessica Random.  This means all sites and accounts as Jessica will be removed.   All my content will still be available on here until I get rid of it – or redirect to a new site.   Anyone may get copies of my stuff and host it wherever they want if they have interest.    My email address will expire at some time too so any questions about my stuff will be unanswered after that.

In effect, my persona as Jessica Random will be gradually disappearing over the next few months.   It may not work out as simply as I hope – but it’s something I am trying “for me”.   There has been no virtual world drama that has caused this – it’s just a change in my life direction.

It’s possible that I will still occasionally create stuff for Virtual Worlds and if so I will make it available again – but under a new name and that name will not be distributing anything that was made by Jessica.

I wish everyone every success and joy in whatever they do – and I will likely still be keeping some eyes on what is going on in Virtual Worlds (and playing a lot of WoW).

Lastly – once again – ALL content I have made is free for everyone to do what they want with – please take copies of anything you want.   At some stage I will no longer be hosting them (I may get around to uploading more of my stuff to OpenSim Creations but cannot promise that.

Goodbye and Love to everyone XXX

Jessica

This always makes me smile…..

I love these comments I keep getting on all my blog sites:

“hi blog.jessicarandom.me blogger found your site via yahoo but it was hard to find and I see you could have more visitors because there are not so many comments yet. “

So… my hard to find blog was found accidently?  Or they tried hard to find it?  Why would they try hard to find it when they didn’t know it existed?   It’s just so much crap – I really wonder if anyone actually “bites” to this.

Personally I don’t keep a blog to get more visitors – sure its nice, but my main reason for doing so is for somewhere to vent – even if noone ever reads it.